Most every qualified negotiator I know is excellent at the what’s and the how’s. Also known as the ‘brass tacks’:
- Deliverables included in the deal,
- How these will be delivered,
- Total cost,
- Payment plans and processes…
This list goes on. These are the simple things, relatively speaking. Once you’ve found common ground with a negotiation counterpart, it’s a matter of sharing the path to an acceptable agreement, creating value as you go.
Far more challenging is finding your way onto common ground. It’s crucial that you not only ask questions, but that you ask the correct questions. And that you’re nimble enough to rephrase, reframe, and pick up on everything that’s not being said as the negotiation progresses.
By the end of this article, you’ll have these basic negotiation skills in your toolkit to help you do just that: How to ask ‘why’ in a way that doesn’t make your counterpart defensive, how to recognize (and question) your assumptions, how to get more information without asking anything at all, and, if all else fails, how to read between the lines.
Recognize (and question) your assumptions
If you do nothing else to improve your negotiation skills, at least prepare. Do your homework. What are your priorities? Your counterpart’s priorities? What are some easy concessions you’re prepared to make? What might you want or need from your counterpart? What’s your strategy going to be? What tactics will you need in the room? Are you ready to shift gears on a dime based on how the conversation goes?
Yes, yes, do all of your homework… and then…
Question your assumptions.
You may think you know what they have budgeted for this transaction – but unless you’ve laid eyes on the financials, you don’t.
You may think you know exactly what their priorities and constraints are. But unless you were in on their planning meeting, you simply don’t.
It’s easy to think that you know how the other side is thinking – you know what you’d be thinking, right?
This all too common error diminished value in a negotiation faster than a bad haggle.
Recognizing assumptions can be a tough skill to learn – we’re often largely unaware of our assumptions, despite the fact that we base our actions on them. When you’re preparing for a negotiation, ask yourself “If I weren’t in the room when this information was determined, can I know this to be true without reading someone’s mind or obtaining privileged information?”
If the answer is ‘no’ you’ve got an assumption.
You might be assuming right. But you might not be. So you’re going to need to ask, or get creative to gather information.
Ask ‘why’ – without arousing suspicion
Negotiation is an information game. The ease with which information is shared varies with experience, the quality of your relationship with your counterpart, the scope of a negotiation and the potential impact outcomes have on involved parties.
If you’re negotiating with a familiar and highly trusted counterpart, you can likely just ask ‘well, why does it need to be x, y, z?’ You both know what to expect from the other based on prior dealings, and the likelihood of them being straight with you is pretty high.
Say you’re dealing with someone you don’t know as well. Or perhaps you’re in a charged negotiation with millions of dollars on the line. Your counterpart is going to want to play their hand pretty close to the vest to ensure their own interests.
In these cases, it’s crucial to ask ‘why’ without asking ‘why.’ When folks hear an obvious question, it raises the alarm: danger, danger, chance of giving up the advantage!!
So where ‘why not x,y,z?’ would raise a red alert, a phrase like ‘It seems like x,y,z would be cheaper for you based on your operations’ invites correction, and, with it, additional information.
Some other ways to ask ‘why’ without raising an alarm include starting phrases with:
- “I’m curious to know what about [x,y,z] doesn’t work for you.”
- “It seems odd that even though we’re offering more, you’re still reluctant to [x,y,z].”
- “How can I help you achieve your goals here?”
- “How am I supposed to do that?”
Tone of voice and non-verbals matter as much as the words you use, so be mindful that even if you have the words right, your tone and posture can still raise the alarm. Resist observable frustration or irritation, even if you’re really at the end of your rope. It should go without saying also that sarcasm or condescension should be kept away. Stick to keeping a warm, even voice that lets the other side know you really do want to figure out a way to work with them.
Get more information without asking anything at all
There are a few ways to entice folks to offer up the informational goods without anything that looks like a question.
One is repeating to confirm. This not only lets the other person know you’re listening, but it gives them an opportunity to offer correction – something humans love to do. You can open with “It sounds like” and insert what you’ve gathered from them after that. “It sounds like you’re struggling with staffing right now.” or “It sounds like you could use a solution that simplifies your workflow.”
If you’re correct, your counterpart will likely say something like “Yeah, we’re really struggling to find reliable employees” or “Right – it’s just so overwhelming and we really need to get all the pieces in one place.”
You can also offer a statement you know to be false to elicit correction and additional information. For example, say you know a retailer generally marks up merchandise 35-50%, but you would like to know exactly how much. Maybe to get a discount, or because you want to find out if your product will create a larger margin for them without an increase in price to consumers. You might say “So you do a 70% markup.” We want to be correct, and folks will offer a correction. Perhaps “No, it’s only about 40% right now, but our current supplier is raising their prices, so we’ll probably need to increase that in the next few months.”
Finally, you can make a verbal mirror. Humans mirror each other physically, usually subconsciously. Watch folks at a restaurant for a while. Those who enjoy each other will shift into similar positions throughout their meals, while those who don’t get along so well won’t. You can also pay attention in your own interactions to the posture of yourself and the person you’re talking with to see mirroring in action. This kind of physical mirroring is part of creating psychological safety and a sense of connection.
Meanwhile, verbal mirroring does the very same thing, but with words instead of physical movement. You do this by very simply repeating back the last sentence or so your counterpart has said.
Them: “Right – it’s just so overwhelming, and we really need to get all the pieces in one place.”
You: “All the pieces in one place?”
Them: “Yeah – right now we’re running our email on Outlook, but sharing documents on Google, and we have a totally separate CRM – we just really need a one stop shop for it all that does each part well.”
You: “Oh, let me tell you about X,Y,Z Virtual Office…”
Notice you said exactly the same words, but shifted your inflection to make it a question. This opens the door for your counterpart to expound on what they’ve said. But, because you’ve used their own words, they feel safe to share more than they might if you asked a direct question.
Read between the lines.
Sometimes these tactics just land with a thud. No more info. No clear path forward.
In these cases, you need to be exceptional at picking absolutely everything between the lines. Sometimes it’s a matter of noticing body language (listen to more body language here).
The secret key is this: listening deeply.
What issues do they return to, again and again and again?
Where are they absurdly stubborn, for no reason you can tell?
Are there moments in the conversation when their body language shifts dramatically? If so, what kind of information might this give you?
If you toss out two (acceptable to you) options, what does their response tell you?
Share some non-critical information – does that give them space to open up a little bit? If so, what does that tell you?
Trust your style
We each have different negotiation styles. I’m a tactics guy, and while I never lie, I’m very selective about what I share and when over the course of a negotiation. An attorney by training, negotiation is like a game for me, so that’s how I go about it. A charged, high pressure, high-risk high-reward, multi-party negotiation is what I live for.
My wife meanwhile listens first, asks questions second, and then lays (most) everything out on the table up front. A doctor by training, she’s not interested in the game of it, but is instead concerned with understanding what someone needs, and then wants to help them meet that need effectively and efficiently.
If you understand how people work as a rule, you can understand how to leverage your own style and strengths throughout a negotiation. If you’re an introvert, listening will come more easily to you – don’t be afraid to ask the deeper questions and take the time to listen in. If you’re extroverted, leverage your likeability and energy up front by relating with folks and asking some creative questions.